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THE FOG

2005
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Movies Eddie McMullen Jr. Review by
E.C.McMullen Jr.
The Fog 2005
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SHOULD YOU?
TIP JAR
THE FOG - 2005
Universal Pictures
Rating: USA: R

Reviewer's note: This movie was so lost and uninspired that, from time to time, I'm going to insert comedy trivia from better movies and TV shows, though not necessarily Horror movies and TV shows.

THE FOG begins with a ship on fire and a rowboat of five men rowing away from the disaster. People onboard the ship are screaming and on fire, falling into the water. The water is quite calm and the burning ship is not far from shore, but apparently nobody onboard can swim - for reasons unexplained. You somehow get the feeling that the rowboat full of men are somehow responsible. As they row away, the boat seems to hit an underwater rock. One of the five looks over the bow to see what they hit, and suddenly it's a rowboat of four men rowing away from a disaster - for reasons unexplained.

A few credits later, we move to the present. We see some men onboard a small tourist fishing vessel called The Sea Grass. They had a good fishing trip and it's time to weigh anchor and head for shore. But their anchor gets caught on some underwater debris and nearly pulls the boat under. Seems the first mate Spooner (DeRay Davis) can't turn the anchor winch off. The fishing trip turns into a minor disaster, but makes it back to port.

The Captain of the fishing vessel is one Nick Castle (Tom Welling), a freewheeling son of Antonio Island, who is a direct descendent of one of the island founders. A wonderful, historical event is coming up to celebrate the founding fathers of Antonio Island, but Nick could care less. All he wants to do is buy a part for his boat so he can get back to business, making money.

Meanwhile there is the voice of none other than Stevie Wayne (Selma Blair: SCREAM 2, HELLBOY), owner of the lighthouse radio station and Antonio Island's voice of the night.

So by this time we see Antonio Island from pretty much every angle and if there's one thing that is clear, it's that this little land mass is small. Small and far from the mainland - TWO things! It's small, far from the mainland, and remote - THREE things! We know there are three things about this island! It's small, it's far from the mainland, it's remote, and it has a curse on it - FOUR! FOUR THINGS!

Anyway

For an island about the size of a highschool, Antonio also has a few too many mumbling degenerates walking about causing cheap "boo" tropes whenever the movie starts to drag. And drag it does. Director Rupert Wainwright (STIGMATA), keeps forgetting that he established Antonio as an island in this movie, and not a mainland baytown as it was in the original film. Or maybe it was his screenwriter, Cooper Layne (THE CORE).

I say this because, if I hadn't mentioned it before, Antonio is a very tiny island - they recently had it carpeted - We're talking Sma-all! And people from the mainland get off and onto the island via the ferry or some other form of sea wessel, which pulls into the tiny marina of the isle. Yet, with all of this said, the island - no bigger than a small American Mall and its parking lot - also has some deserted roads (?), roads so long and deserted that at one point as Nick is driving down these deserted roads at night, he comes across a hitchiker (?!?).

Ahem! Did I mention that the island is about as big as a small shopping center? That a number of aerial shots of the island up to this point clearly establish this?

So it has deserted roads. Uh huh.

Anyway, Nick picks up a hitchhiker, who turns out to be his old girlfriend, Elizabeth (Maggie Grace: CREATURE UNKNOWN, LOST [TV]), who abandoned him six months ago. She is hitchiking her way, she says, toward town! Even the least critical mind has to wonder, from freaking where? The marina where the ferry arrives is In Town!

Later in the movie, a semi-truck comes out of nowhere and pastes a car, continuing on its merry way without stopping. Now even assuming a hit and run driver, why the hell would a semi truck be driving on such a tiny island with only one town? What long trip is it hauling from on an island you could walk across in about 10 minutes?

In fits and spurts, we discover that ghosts from the sunken ship, Elizabeth Dane, are coming on this day to kill the direct descendents of those four men who betrayed and murdered the folks aboard that ship.

If that's the story you want to establish, fine. If that's the logic you set up, fine. So why do the ghosts kill a dog? How was the pooch a direct descendent? Why do the ghosts kill some tourists from out of town?

Is this film so damn dull and stupid that even the writer and director are too bored to pay any attention to it?

During the slow moments of the film, you'll be asking yourself these and other fun questions including,
"Why does the fog look so fake in 2005 when it looked so real when the first one was filmed in 1979?"

The ghosts kill in various ways, some quick - some quite slow. One guy, Machen (R. Nelson Brown: DEVOUR), winds up with his face horribly disfigured. It's pretty obvious that something really bad on the scale of flesh eating microbe is happening to him, yet nobody says, "Hey, Makkie! What the f*ck is happening to your goddamn face?" No he just slowly melts in scene after scene in front of everybody and nobody pays it no nevermind.

When Spooner winds up being accused of murder, his best friend, Nick keeps proof of Spooner's innocence away from the cops.

Why?

Because "It could be evidence." No shit, asshole! That's why you should give it to the cops! Then later, after Elizabeth has seen the video and can prove that Spooner is innocent, she wants to tell Nick, but not in front of the cops.

Why?

Because she knows Spooner is innocent!

Now nowhere is it established that the cops are corrupt bad guys and would destroy the evidence, so at what point before Spooner's conviction and execution are these two yo-yos going to let the cops know that their friend is innocent?

THE FOG is filled with crap moments like this, and while everything is thrown at the screen at the end, from ghosts to zombies to reincarnation from way out in left field, the movie sinks beneath a surface of computer effects and a story as amorphous as THE FOG itself.

One barely earned Shriek Girl.

KILL IT BEFORE IT BREEDS!

Shriek Girls
This review copyright 2005 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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One mystery is, how does a Catholic Priest wind up being a direct descendent of another Catholic Priest? I mean, there is that sticky issue of celibacy to contend with, and even if we choose not to be naive, you can't have offspring from a Priest/Boy pairing.

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